


Blindside

by ReturnToZero



Series: Erudition [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alone, Angst, Dark, Depression, GamTav - Freeform, Gamzee/Tavros, Homestuck - Freeform, Hospital, Insanity, M/M, PBnJ - Freeform, Yaoi, sad!Stuck, too dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-23
Updated: 2012-08-23
Packaged: 2017-11-12 17:18:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/493749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReturnToZero/pseuds/ReturnToZero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What are you doing?” he softly inquired.</p><p>“I'm trying to fix it.” Gamzee replied.</p><p>“Fix the cup?” he prodded.</p><p>“...Something like that.” he vaguely concluded.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blindside

**Author's Note:**

> This is a oneshot that was inspired by a boy I met a while ago.
> 
> He's quite interesting. One day, hopefully, I'll read this to him.
> 
> Warnings: Yaoi, Angst, Tragedy, Insanity!stuck

Title: Blindside

\---dark---

His eyes focused on nothing. 

That was the first thing Tavros noticed when he saw the other boy at the hospital. 

The brunette beauty was completely blank faced, his cheekbones prominent under alabaster skin, full rosy lips pulled into a thin straight line. His curls were in disarray, sticking up randomly and hanging into blank blue eyes. Trashy jeans and a dull purple shirt hung off his long, lean limbs, but the Taurus could tell he was tones with tight muscles. The slouched figure loomed over a coffee mug, strange and deformed as he fiddled with the handle. 

The fluorescent light made his skin look ashy and coarse, but once Tavros opened the blinds and let in the natural light he began to move, taking the battered cup with him before sitting down at a new table, directly in the sun and hung his head. The sudden movement intrigued Tavros, he knew these people were insane but he was curious to hear their thoughts, to understand their madness. The Latino sighed and sat next to the boy, staying completely silent, observing with a sharp eye.

Once the blue eyes were into plain sight Tavros tried to hold eye contact, noticing the lack of comprehension or understanding in the others' eyes. He cleared his throat and the taller boy lifted his eyes further, keeping the same blank look but only shifting his irises up higher. 

Something was clearly wrong.

The brunette sighed and began softly, “Uhm...hello.” He smiled and was almost surprised as the other smiled back, “H...hi.” he rasped out. His voice was choppy and sounded as if his voice was pushing gravel from his throat. The sound was scratchy and yet Tavros enjoyed the sound. “I'm Tavros Nitram, and I'm a student nurse, so I'll be observing and helping you from now on.” He nodded and frowned, “Well... I'm Gamzee, as you probably already know-”

“Oh no, they don't let me read any of the files. If anything I hope that we can maybe become something like friends.” he sputtered, flushing and laughing nervously, “I mean, only if you want to, I can uh-”

“That sounds cool.” Gamzee interrupted, chuckling softly at the comment. Tavros gave a sheepish smile, rising from his seat and gesturing, “Can we maybe move out of the light?” Gamzee shook his head furiously, “No.”

Tavros nearly flinched from the sudden change in tone, Gamzee had scared him with his loud, harsh, booming voice. Gamzee turned to face outside, his eyes not really focused on anything as he began to tamper with the mug. Now at a closer distance, Tavros could make out that it was unfinished, part of the brown handle missing and looking a bit deformed in certain places. 

Tavros sighed and sat back down, fanning himself as the sun continued to shine, the rays penetrating his skin and making him uncomfortable. The other boy paid no mind, continuing to knead at his cup.

“What are you doing?” he softly inquired.

“I'm trying to fix it.” Gamzee replied.

“Fix the cup?” he prodded.

“...Something like that.” he vaguely concluded. 

The conversation quickly ended, instead leaving thick tension in it's wake. Tavros only observed quietly, watching as deft hands prodded at the cup. His fingers and movements were strong and intense, fingers constantly moving and applying pressure. Finally under closer inspection Tavros saw the cracks and imperfections in the mug. The words '#1 Dad' was scrawled across, and it definitely meant something.

Without warning Gamzee stood, carrying his deformed mug and slowly walked away, heading into the hall and not even looking up.

Tavros frowned, “Hey, wait up!” Gamzee only slowed down, never stopping completely, still completely focused on his mug. Tavros bit his lip and caught up to Gamzee, matching his pace and trying to figure out everything. Gamzee looked in his direction and smiled, “Hey don't worry, okay?”

The statement only led Tavros to believe that something was amiss. He longed for actual eye contact, “Uhm...it's kinda hard to believe everything's all right when you don't uh...”

Gamzee's face twisted into rage, “Fuck you. Stop following me, I never asked you to care. Why do you even care?” he yelled, his voice cracking with a gruff tone. 

“I, sorry- It's just I saw your work in the art boxes, and it's beautiful...” he sighed, “I don't know why but I want to comfort you. When they said I could observe you I was overjoyed-”

Gamzee scoffed, “My art is crap...You said you didn't read my file, right?” Tavros nodded, a frown settling onto his face. A moment passed before Gamzee let out a breath, anger slowly dissipating from his expression, “...I can't do that anymore. Art I mean. I-those are my old works, before I got here.” Tavros cocked his head, hoping to learn more, “You see...I only do pottery now. It's all I can do.”

“Why?” he asked, his voice small and concerned.

“I can't see.”

Gamzee fumbled with his cup, “My eyes are fine, it's my head, or rather my brain. I was in a car accident a few years ago, and the back of my head suffered the most. I lost the ability to comprehend my sight.” Soon his actions and blank eyes made sense, he couldn't look into Tavros' eyes because he couldn't see his face. “It's like being in a dark room, but I can't ever turn the light on.”

Tavros approached Gamzee, placing a hand on his shoulder, mentally hitting himself for being so insensitive. “I'm sorry...I didn't mean to-”

Gamzee hugged Tavros and began to sob, his eyes filling up with hot tears, “My art! I can't paint or draw or write! It's a pain to hear everyone praise it, now I can only do pottery. And even that comes out bad since I can't exactly see my progress...”

Tavros hesitantly wrapped his arms around Gamzee, rubbing his back in circles and sighing, “It's okay Gamzee...maybe you can still do your art? I mean, if you had someone help you write, or uhm, if you worked at your sense of touch?” His heart wrenched in pain, he truly felt bad for Gamzee. The other boy simply clung to Tavros, cup in hand and whined, “I want my dad! I want my dad! I want him here, I want my dad!”

Soon his grip became painful, and Tavros was barely able to pry himself away, “Gamzee, please calm down, uh!”

Footsteps echoed down the hall and Gamzee screamed, running off in the other direction.

Tavros felt fear grip his heart and he pursued the blind artist, amazed at how easily he was able to judge his surroundings and go through the hospital with ease.

He felt this whole thing was his fault.

Gamzee was barely in reach now, and Tavros practically threw himself in order to capture the other boy, grabbing him tightly, “Gamzee! I'm sorry! Please forgive me...” Soon fists and pain followed, the duo began a struggle for dominance. Every time Gamzee threw his fist he made contact, his bony knuckles bruising his tanned skin and breaking bones, but hid fit finally ended, fatigue settling on the thin boy and wearing him to a stop.

“I want, daddy! Daddy please! I want my daddy!”

Before either of them were aware the other nurses arrived, ripping them apart and instead taking control of the situation. Gamzee was out due to their sedative but Tavros watched as they wheeled him away, his eyes still as blank as they were in the beginning.

\---dark---

“He's here not for our psychological hospital but our neurologists. He has something called the blindside-”

Tavros couldn't stay focused, his head swimming with the well-being of Gamzee. 

He was embarrassed to admit but he had fallen for the other boy. Before even meeting him he was enthralled with his works, an avid collector with anything doing with Gamzee Makara. It was a secret that he indulged in, but now it seemed taboo. 

“Since only his visual cortex was damaged his eyes still function-”

Tavros was a fool for falling so quickly yet he was extremely content with simply observing Gamzee. He was beautiful in every way, even in anger and disillusionment, it was breathtaking. His emotions had definitely ruled over any sort of logic, but he was hungry for more contact. Gamzee still sculpted, so he wondered how he did that? He actually wanted to help Gamzee, maybe if Gamzee told him the stories Tavros could write them out for him, he just wanted to see more miracles from him-

“We believe that he can still somewhat see, he certainly is aware of his surroundings and is able to identify facial expressions of others-”

Soon he was left alone, the nurse gently inquiring about his wounds, but he simply brushed her off and asked for privacy.

After she left he locked the door, going to his bag and taking out some of Gamzee's old work. He began to read page upon page of true art, quickly immersing himself of the fantasy of Gamzee's ideas. Death and love were two of his most common themes, and every one had consisted of some sort of brilliant (yet completely indescribable) insanity. Yet with each new insane character, the more Tavros loved it. 

He was empathetic and grew hateful of anyone who tried to 'cure' their madness. 

Yet the last literary work published by Gamzee involved an interview, the last line haunting, “They are all me. I put a piece of myself in the work. I truly feel as if I am the only sane person in this insane world.” His sudden disappearance left Tavros miffed and confuzzled, and so his search began.

It had taken him two years to find Gamzee again, only he had done so by chance. 

He had finally began his residency and was able to hear about some of the more famous patients, quickly leading him to Gamzee. He was delighted but he also wanted to keep his emotions separate from his job. Yet the questions burned at the back of his mind, demanding answers. With a sigh he was able to rip himself away from the book, exiting his room silently and his stomach growling.

He started to head for the cafeteria when he caught a glimpse of Gamzee scuffling behind him, “Uhm...”

“Hi. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to, ya know...” his heart softened at the sight of Gamzee apologizing, a small little clay bird in his hand. Tavros nodded and felt dumb for doing so, quickly replying, “It's okay. I was being really rude too ya know. I didn't mean to provoke you...”

“Are we still friends?”

A small smile bloomed on Tavros' face, “Of course we are Gamzee.” The shocked expression finally took over his blank stare before a smile slowly twisted onto his face, “Oh. Well maybe we can have lunch?”

After many laughs and filled stomachs they departed again, “Are you coming back tomorrow?” Gamzee's voice was tight and low, almost as if he was asking for death, “Yes I am Gamzee. I'll be here for a while actually.”

A relieved sigh came from Gamzee, “Well, It's cause you treat me all cool like. I don't have to motherfucking try to be proper and shit. I can be who I am with you. It's like I'm back home again...” His eyes drooped with sadness and Tavros hugged Gamzee, “You are normal Gamzee. You shouldn't have to deal with all this oppression from everyone else.”

The pair stayed silent as the embrace became longer and more intimate. 

Gamzee wrapped his arms around Tavros' waist, and Tavros tucked his head under Gamzee's chin.

Soon Gamzee ripped himself away, shoving his hands in his pockets and flushing slightly, a nurse passing by and Tavros held his breath till she left. “You can't be in a relationship with the patients...” he mournfully declared.

Tavros gave a small chuckle, “I'm only doing a residency here, so I can skip that rule.”

Gamzee gave a small smirk, “Damn, didn't know you were such a badass. Ha ha, if you say so, I just don't want to get you into trouble.” He shifted a bit skittishly, kicking his leg and keeping his eyes on Tavros' direction.

 

“I have to go now, but I'll see you tomorrow okay?” Gamzee nodded and spun on his heel, waving bye before leaving down the bleached white walls, his figure slouched and somewhat despondent.

\---dark---

After a month of residency (with only 24 hours remaining) he couldn't help but feel attached to Gamzee. 

His love became something more solid, but not quite yet tangible. But even as friends he was overjoyed, their rime together was truly precious. They had eventually gotten to know each other on a personal level, and even discussed about art(Gamzee was full of ideas, just no outlet).

Tavros smiled as he followed the lithe artist into the pottery room, a bit puzzled at Gamzee's need to pull up another chair beside him. He left his newest clay figurine (today's was a swan) next to the desk and gestured Tavros over. Once both boys were sitting he smiled softly at Tavros, “May I please touch your face? I want to make a figurine of you...” Tavros flushed, a bit taken back by the request.

Gamzee couldn't see his work, but the detail and beauty in all his pottery and clay figurines was magnificent. Tavros had even received a few as gifts(a bull, a hummingbird and a fairy to be specific). He tried to will away his blush, clearing his throat, “Uh well, I am just a bit uhm...surprised, why would you want a figurine of me?” 

Gamzee sighed, “I would have asked for a picture if I could see but I can't. And I can't think of anything else I could have to remember you by.”

“Okay, I guess it's alright.” Tavros honestly was hoping he didn't make a fool of himself, he would be mortified if Gamzee found out about his feelings. Long, rough fingertips grazed his cheeks and he felt his face heat up, noticing the smirk of Gamzee's face, “Why are you so warm? Don't tell me you're blushing...”

Tavros whined and Gamzee only responded with a chuckle, his hands never leaving Tavros' face. His things were already neatly set up, his clay and the wheel available. He brushed then gently over his cheeks and tapped the bridge of his nose, being cautious around his eyes and leaning closer. Tavros tried to stay calm but felt his heart flip, Gamzee was practically caressing his face!

The blind boy traced his jaw and followed to the nape of his neck, the shaved part scratching his skin, “You have short hair...” Tavros smiled, “Uhm, I have a mohawk. So parts of it are shaved but I do have some hair.” Gamzee smiled and gently outlined his hair, “You feel amazing.”

Tavros wanted to die from embarrassment, the double entendre in his statement was so sinful because he knew Gamzee meant it in a innocent way.

Gamzee laughed and leaned in further, running his thumb over Tavros' lips. He let his thumb rest at the middle of the lower lip, admiring it's full feeling and aching to put his own over it. Everything about Tavros seemed soft and beautiful, his features were not too sharp and had a round gentle edge to it. He let his hands roam again, trying to memorize the contours of Tavros' face.

He couldn't stop himself from leaning forward and kissing Tavros.

The pair was blindsided by passion, both responding to the kiss. Tavros moaned and tilted his head for a better angle while Gamzee sighed happily, smiling into Tavros' lips. They stayed connected as long as possible, ravishing one another, Gamzee's hands roaming curiously across the smaller teen's body. Tavros made a noise of approval, tangling his fingers into wild curls. They both had their eyes closed, locked up in their own world, touching and feeling one another. They broke away, each trying to catch their breath. 

Gamzee purred, his hands slipped under the shirt and relished the soft skin, loving how it heated up by his touch. Tavros cooed, “Gamzee...I...I love you.” Gamzee felt a fire blaze across his cheeks, traveling down his back and setting his hips aflame. Tavros moved and kissed him again, melting into his touch and sensuality to his touch. Gamzee wrapped his arms around Tavros, his heart fluttering in sheer joy, “I...love you too...Tavvy, I love you so much...” 

Tavros smiled and pressed himself up against Gamzee, draping his arms around the taller boy's neck, “Wanna get together? I'm only gonna be here for my residency for another few days...” Gamzee nods, “But you have to visit me. And when they finish their testing then I'll go live with you.”

They shared another sweet kiss, but Gamzee shoved him away, ducking his head and kneading at the clay. Tavros whined, his brows furrowed and almost yelling at Gamzee; Tavros paled at the sight of the nurse, smiling nervously at her as she gave Gamzee a notice and left.

“I really hate doing that Tavvy, but I don't want you in trouble cause of me...” he apologized. 

Tavros kissed Gamzee again, pulling away, “I understand. Thank you Gamzee, you're such a sweet boy. I love you.” He smiled sheepishly and adored how Gamzee flushed bright red, biting his lip and ducking his head, “Man, I've got it real bad for ya.”

Tavros laughed, “I've had such a crush on you Gamzee...but I really do love you. I'm so glad I got to meet you.”

Gamzee nodded, “Likewise Tavvy. Well...” He paused and began to knead his clay, quickly making a heart from it, “I don't think I have enough clay for a figurine but I can give you this heart.”

Tavros waits for Gamzee to glaze and bake the heart, ecstatic at the finished product.

“It's lovely Gamzee...Thank you. You already know you have my heart too.” he chimes. Gamzee steals a kiss from Tavros, “Mmm, I'm glad. I love you Tavvy.” He hugged Tavros and then pulled away quickly, another nurse coming by and ruining their moment.

Soon the time had come to leave. “I only have about 12 hours left, so tomorrow will be my last day of work here.” Gamzee nodded, “Well my tests are only for another week, and my Granddad agreed to get an operation done for my eyes. They say they can fix the back of my head so I can see. But healing takes about a month...”

Tavros smiles, “That's great Gamzee. I'm really happy for you, hopefully you think I'm cute.” Gamzee laughs, “You are cute Tav! Even a blind guy knows that!”

They gave their final good byes, Tavros kissing Gamzee one last time before leaving.

\---dark---

Tavros cursed as he ran to the doors and scribbled at the sign-in, he hadn't meant to be late but there was so much traffic-

“I want my daddy! Dad! Daddy!” Gamzee's voice echoed through the halls.

His sobs were audible from the lobby and Tavros rushed to Gamzee, finding him pinned down by the other nurses, “Daddy? Tavvy? Dad? Tavvy? Where are you guys? It's so dark! Tavvy...”

Tavros pushed past the nurses and embraced Gamzee, grabbing his hands and placing them on his face, “I'm right here Gam! I'm sorry I was late, please calm down...” Gamzee clung to him as if his life depended on it, fat tears rolling down his face, “Don't ever leave me! I couldn't find you! I was so scared...”

Tavros began to cradle Gamzee, quickly bringing him from his panic into a serene state. The blind boy nuzzled Tavros, soothed by his lover's presence. Once he had regained control the nurses slowly filtered out, Gamzee never letting go of Tavros.

“I love you Tavvy...” he whispered, pressing his nose into Tavros' neck, inhaling his deep natural scent and finding himself infatuated. “I love you too Gam...” he replied softly, bringing them both up to stand, “Cmon, let's go spend my residency hours.” They returned to Gamzee's room and stayed in there the whole time, enjoying their own little world.

\---dark---

Tavros had frowned when his cell disturbed him from his sleep wondering who had called him to at such a late hour, twisting in his bed and grabbing the phone, “Hello?”

“Hello, is this Mr. Nitram?”

He gave a confused look and continued in a groggy voice, “Yes, I am Mr. Nitram.”

“We are sorry to inform you but Mr. Makara wasn't able to survive the operation.”

His mind stopped for a moment, registering the statement. 

Tavros bit his lip and held back a whimper, “How?” he whispered.

“There was a complication during the operation and Mr. Makara's old wound proved to be his downfall-”

Tavros felt his heart shatter completely, tears filling his eyes and blurring his room, the infinitely dark room. He felt disgusted and angry, depressed and cheated, the tumultuous emotions swirling inside. His greatest love had finally disappeared from his life, and now he really had nothing. 

Tavros had very few friends, and yet he couldn't find himself able to really 'fit in' anywhere. 

He was disappointed with the world, and pursued his career in hopes to see something worth living for. He had found Gamzee, and that alone was a miracle. But even as he worked with the other patients, he found himself able to understand them, understand their mindsets and ultimately share their feelings. Their sentiments weren't too far from his own, and their pasts all had something to do with it. Tavros refused to revisit old paths, but found himself very alone in the world.

“Hello? Sir, we're very sorry, we send you our deepest regrets-”

It was too dark.

Tavros couldn't even see, he didn't even know where the light switch was-  
Maybe he could call out and find someone?

“Mr. Nitram? Are you alright? Maybe you should attend therap-”

He hung up before she could say another word.

His room felt large, larger than ever, and he was trapped. The darkness was thick and swirling, he couldn't see a damn thing in there. He curled up, trying to calm himself in his own fear, his heart heavy with remorse. Tavros then in a moment of panic began to search for a light. He grasped at nothing, eventually groping the side table and knocking over his lamp, cursing and continuing his dark voyage. 

The brunette sighed and sat up, the darkness threatening to swallow him whole, holding onto the table to get himself situated. His hand knocked over some of the clay models, and the sound of the ceramic shattering against the floor echoed into his mind.

He blindly reached down to pick up the pieces, wincing as he occasionally slices his hand picking up or brushing against the broken glass on the floor.

“I have to fix it later...”he muttered to himself.  
Soon he returned his pieces to the table, his hands feeling somewhat warm and wet with blood, accidentally knocking over another ceramic. His hands shoot to save it, and he is able to catch it in time. He smiles and gives a sigh of relief. Out of curiosity he begins to feel around the object, easily figuring out the shape of it and sobbing.

He caught Gamzee's heart.

\---dark---

Tavros didn't know what to do anymore. 

He had to wait until morning to be able to open the window and let the light in, to be able to navigate his way out of his room.

The death of his lover still weighed heavily on his mind, crushing his every thought until he could think no more. The figurine that was shattered was the bull(Gamzee did always say he was a bit stubborn). And the more he thought about everything the less he wished to continue.

He had barely completed his hours and his license would come in a few days but he couldn't be happy about it. Understanding...those people had definitely changed him.

Tavros had looked forward to so much just a few days ago.

Now he couldn't even imagine the next day.

He stared blankly into the mirror.

As his eyes begin to lose focus on his reflection he gave one last laugh.

_Love had truly blindsided him._


End file.
